Place in the World

Life is a constant stumble and fumble
of navigating through the world
looking for your place
for where you are supposed to be
as if the universe designed a single little space where only you can fit.
But the you of yesterday is not the you of tomorrow.
Does the universe know this?
Does it change and adapt
as you change and grow,
change and regress?
Perhaps it creates numerous little spaces for you to occupy;
for when you find yourself alone and free
or together and comfortable.
Perhaps your mistakes and mishaps
reshape your little niche,
moves it from place to place.
So you struggle and fumble some more,
forever searching.
But maybe the universe mocks us all
and we never need truly search,
for we are always where we should be
in the time and place.
It seems we are destined to a fate of free will and decision
and it is only a matter or embracing yet not attempting
to solve this puzzle of a life
which allows our unknown place to reveal itself.


written: March 1st, on my blackberry, finished in the Plaza Mayor, Salamanca, Spain

An Expensive Cocktail

My heart is heavy.

When I breathe in, there is something pushing back against me, as if it is trying to prevent me from taking another unsavoury, life giving breath.

When I breathe out, it feels like my whole body tries to leave too, weighing me down as it tries to escape.

My limbs grow heavy, my eyes they close, my will to do anything vanishes. It is as if all my burdens suddenly decide to appear all at once, in a calm, overwhelming feeling where a sweet, sorted confusion is all that remains.

Eventually I give in and sink to the ground or whatever is underneath me, be it a chair or a bed. I sink and would keep sinking were it not for the Earth beneath my feet. On my tongue I taste acid indifference but mixed with two shots of syrupy sadness and a dash of loneliness. A strange combination but one that is all too familiar.

I'm as far into this cocktail as my physical body will take me but my mind keeps drinking away. And eventually I give in and order me another glass. I pay with my heart - heavy, not worth a lot, but just enough to overdose.

The Call

Artwork: Julia Yellow (source)

I can hear it: in the night, at lunch, as I walk down the street. It is loud and is getting louder every day, shouting my name and urging me to come. It accompanies me where ever I go. Sometimes it's a ringing whisper in the back of my head; other times it's a horrible, jarring, screeching tone.

It wasn't always this loud. It used to be a dim voice that I would notice every now and then; an accompanying soundtrack when I heard a certain song or watched a certain show. But now it has got a hold of my heart strings and the constant vibrations cause pain and tears. It messes with my mind and plays with my feelings. But there's no way I can stop the call until I go back to the source and hang up the phone.

21

21. Wow. Twenty freaking one. Now I can drink legally drink in America. Yay!?! (But let's be honest, I only go to the States to shop.)

There isn't the much to turning this age, no real advantages to being 21. It is so much closer to 22, which let's face it, sounds for some reason a lot older. 21 means I am an adult (well, technically that was 20, but this is just another year of re-enforcing that idea). According to Yahoo Answers, it means that I should be able to make rational and mature decisions; childish thinking should be behind me and my life goals and plans ahead of me.

If this were Christmas and I were Scrooge, I would say "Bah Humbug!" to that. Rational and mature decisions? Last week I was seriously considering dropping out of uni for a bit because I'm fed up with it, while at the same time I was mourning of the sad dis-figuration of my beloved stuffed hedgehog, Hedgey. I can barely decide what I want for dinner most days, let alone what to do this summer, after graduation or for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that I have made it to another year and that I get to spend it in Spain with some awesome people and 8 hours of class. But sometimes I feel like that Rizzle Kicks song, When I Was A Youngster:

Back when I was younger,
I wanted to be everything on the planet,
Now that I am older,
It seems the ambition has vanished

Yup. Pretty much sums me up at the start of my 21st year on this planet. Confused, without ambition, lost, older.

Happy Birthday to me.

A College Christmas Dinner

awkward photo of my friends without heads/the robe

My college is weird. Very bizarre and set in tradition. Quite frankly I don't why I picked that one out of all the University has to offer, but either way I'm here and it's too late to change.

Tonight was the college's annual Christmas dinner. It was a high table dinner which means that gowns (yes, that's right gowns, - like long black robes à la Harry Potter) must be worn and formal attire is obligatory. We lined up a good 45 mins before dinner because last time for Thanksgiving Dinner in October, we almost weren't able to sit together because people don't understand the concept of a line -_-.

Anywho, these high table dinners are kind of a big deal. The profs, faculty, and various alumni who happen to still be around campus attend. You sit with your graduating year (or in my case, social year) and are served the meals - honestly, it's just like Harry Potter without the floating candles and awesome ceiling. One of our (lame) frosh cheers is "We're going back to Hogwarts!" when we head back to college (it might seem cool but it's actually kind of sad when you're yelling it at a college twice your size).

yummy yumminess

But I'll admit, it is fun to get all dressed up and revel in some Christmas cheer before exams start and the school goes on winter break. We sang Christmas carols and songs and were given candy canes to munch on. But why do I (and most of the University of Toronto) think is my college weird, you might ask? Well it's traditionally Anglican, although I can't name a single Anglican enrolled, and many of those traditions are still around. Our cheers and school song are in Latin, we say a prayer (in Latin once more) before high/low table dinners (although most of the college probs isn't religious, let alone comprised of dead-language-speaking Christians) and there is a "not-so-secret" society, Episkopon (wiki it). Some might say this is the heart of the college, such ingrained traditions, and yes they are right. It is what makes it unique. But it also contributes to the pompous stuck up reputation that it carries. It's a give and take sort of situation.

a part of the dining hall

Many people don't like it, but lots of people feel at home here, as is evident by the dining hall filled with laughter, toasts and off key singing. After filling myself to the brim with turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and multiple baked goods, and stashing numerous candy canes in my robe, I think I'm one of those people finding my home, as traditional, weird and bizarre as it may be.