A definite lack of passion

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go in life. When you're in university/college, these questions come up a lot. The following conversation is one I seem to have at least once a week, when I meet someone new:

Me: Oh, so what are you studying?
Person: (with passion and commitment) International relations and peace and equity studies. I think I want to go into law or join a NGO. How about you? What are you studying?
Me: Languages. French and Spanish.
Person: Oh that's so cool! I wish I knew another language. I did french in high school but never continued with it. (everyone says that!!) So what do you want to do? Become a translator?
Me: I have absolutely no clue...
Person: Oh. Well with languages you can do anything! (trust me, saying that doesn't help, it just makes me more confused.)

It seems that so many people around me know what they want to do, or even if they don't, they have a passion for something. It can be really discouraging because it makes me question myself. Why am I studying what I'm studying? Do I even like it? What do I want to do in life? People keep telling me that I have time or that an undergraduate degree doesn't even matter. It's your masters and doctorate that are important. But I disagree. I'm sure from you're position as an older student, a professor or a counselor, you can look back at these times in your life and say things like that. But as a student who is lost and confused and unsure about what she wants to do, those words do not bring any comfort. I feel like I don't have time - like it's too late to change my field of study, if I was even sure of what I wanted to do.

There are things I regret doing, such as putting myself in a small little box first year, convinced of what I knew and unwilling to try different things. But now that I'm at a new school things have changed. The atmosphere is charged with potential and drive, a need to succeed and the desire to be the best. It puts pressure on you, not only to achieve but also to enjoy what you are doing while you are struggling to do it.

At some point in my life, ever since kindergarten, I have known what I wanted to do with my life. In my years after preschool, I endeavored to become an ocean floor geologist, despite the fact that I couldn't (and still can't) swim. I think I learned the word from the Magic School Bus, because "ocean floor geologist" is not common vocabulary for a 5 year-old. In elementary school, I wanted to be a teacher, modeled after all the great teachers I had. I would be the cool teacher who would let her students eat soup in class, go on lots of field trips and watch Bill Nye the Science guy every day. The 6th and 7th grade sparked a change, where I got more creative and started designing things. Then, my goal was either to be a fashion designer or interior decorator. But as I continued to age, reality caught up with me and my plans changed. After picking up French relatively quickly in high school and Spanish a few years later, I thought, well hey! I seem to be good with languages, why not make it a career. But it's harder than you think when you're not immersed in a native speaking environment.

This uncertainty is new to me and it's a feeling that I don't enjoy. Let's say I hate it. Hate it. It's a strong word for a strong feeling. I'm not sure how to go about tackling this feeling but I hope that the future brings with some certainty, clarity, and optimism, as well as a way for me to discover my true passions.

Have you found something you truly enjoy in life?

Going in blind...

So it's been a week since my last post but I have a good reason: I am in Quebec City!! I left last Saturday, my birthday, and traveled 10 hours, with 3 hours sleep, from Toronto to Montreal and then on to the capital of Quebec. I'm here for five weeks on a university/Government of Canada program, Explore, to improve my French by being placed in a French environment and taking French courses. I'm at the University of Laval, which is a pretty nice school. Big campus, lots of residences, okay food and great proximity to three malls and a Metro grocery store.

This was a very last minute choice. I had applied in January but was wait listed and since I hadn't heard from them, I figured I had not been accepted. They only called me last Tuesday, and since I wasn't doing anything for the summer, I said yes. Then I rush mailed a bunch of stuff and hopped on a train Saturday morning. It was kind of hectic, but a lot more relaxed now that I'm here. I hadn't received any information about residence or classes so I basically went blindly into a new city. Thanks to a nice taxi driver, a classmate I met in Montreal and the very nice Laval students, things worked out.

My major issue is that I still do not have internet. (I'm posting this from a friend's computer). They have not given me a university card, although everyone else got their's on Monday, and the wireless lady won't give me internet until her computer says I have an active card. Everything, including the library, is closed on the weekends and the past week has been really busy so I just haven't have time to go on. But hopefully, come Monday, everything will be sorted out.

I hope y'all had a great week :)

♥ Turtles

The Future

Sometimes I wonder what I am going to do with my life. Actually, scratch that. Not sometimes, most of the time. All the time. Everyday. What am I going to do? I don’t contemplate what my purpose is or why I was put on this Earth; philosophical questions make my head hurt. Rather, I think of the future, as I have been doing my whole life. I find I never really live in the moment. I am always looking at the past: what I did wrong; or at the future: what is to come, what I can possibly do, and if there is any chance in hell that my dreams will become a reality. There are days where I just sit on the couch, staring at a black television screen, pondering my days after university is finished. Should I travel? Should I get a degree? Should I take time off and work? Will I even finish? How will I pay for everything? Will I ever find a job? What do I want to do? And will I even be good enough to do it?

I’ve always hated the future, because for almost every scenario that happens, I envisioned it occurring a different way. I always imagine fantastic things, unexpected things, which make life more exciting or interesting. But when the time comes, reality falls short of my silent expectations. Always. And I know why.

I am incredibly unrealistic. I rarely express my desires verbally, for I know the chances and the likelihood of them happening are so remote that anyone who is listening would think me a fool. Yet I hold on deeply to these crazy dreams. The problem is that I never take any measure to at least try and ensure they become reality. I live in a silly, fictional world, where one day, while sitting at home, surfing the net, I’ll receive a call to work a job I would greatly enjoy. In my dreams I never make any effort yet things always happen. That’s not how it works in the real world and that, is a harsh reality. 

- Turtles