A definite lack of passion

I've been thinking a lot about where I want to go in life. When you're in university/college, these questions come up a lot. The following conversation is one I seem to have at least once a week, when I meet someone new:

Me: Oh, so what are you studying?
Person: (with passion and commitment) International relations and peace and equity studies. I think I want to go into law or join a NGO. How about you? What are you studying?
Me: Languages. French and Spanish.
Person: Oh that's so cool! I wish I knew another language. I did french in high school but never continued with it. (everyone says that!!) So what do you want to do? Become a translator?
Me: I have absolutely no clue...
Person: Oh. Well with languages you can do anything! (trust me, saying that doesn't help, it just makes me more confused.)

It seems that so many people around me know what they want to do, or even if they don't, they have a passion for something. It can be really discouraging because it makes me question myself. Why am I studying what I'm studying? Do I even like it? What do I want to do in life? People keep telling me that I have time or that an undergraduate degree doesn't even matter. It's your masters and doctorate that are important. But I disagree. I'm sure from you're position as an older student, a professor or a counselor, you can look back at these times in your life and say things like that. But as a student who is lost and confused and unsure about what she wants to do, those words do not bring any comfort. I feel like I don't have time - like it's too late to change my field of study, if I was even sure of what I wanted to do.

There are things I regret doing, such as putting myself in a small little box first year, convinced of what I knew and unwilling to try different things. But now that I'm at a new school things have changed. The atmosphere is charged with potential and drive, a need to succeed and the desire to be the best. It puts pressure on you, not only to achieve but also to enjoy what you are doing while you are struggling to do it.

At some point in my life, ever since kindergarten, I have known what I wanted to do with my life. In my years after preschool, I endeavored to become an ocean floor geologist, despite the fact that I couldn't (and still can't) swim. I think I learned the word from the Magic School Bus, because "ocean floor geologist" is not common vocabulary for a 5 year-old. In elementary school, I wanted to be a teacher, modeled after all the great teachers I had. I would be the cool teacher who would let her students eat soup in class, go on lots of field trips and watch Bill Nye the Science guy every day. The 6th and 7th grade sparked a change, where I got more creative and started designing things. Then, my goal was either to be a fashion designer or interior decorator. But as I continued to age, reality caught up with me and my plans changed. After picking up French relatively quickly in high school and Spanish a few years later, I thought, well hey! I seem to be good with languages, why not make it a career. But it's harder than you think when you're not immersed in a native speaking environment.

This uncertainty is new to me and it's a feeling that I don't enjoy. Let's say I hate it. Hate it. It's a strong word for a strong feeling. I'm not sure how to go about tackling this feeling but I hope that the future brings with some certainty, clarity, and optimism, as well as a way for me to discover my true passions.

Have you found something you truly enjoy in life?

Just a bit of poetry...

Think back to my Challenges post, where I said I would attempt to draw something everyday for 30 days. Well, scratch that. I can't draw, and the prospect of doing that is actually very unappealing. So instead, I've decided to try and write at least one poem everyday, for as long as I can. Much more reasonable, although their quality is highly questionable.

So far it's been going well. I started yesterday, because I like to start things either on Sundays or Mondays. I won't post every poem I write but I've decided that I will probably post some from the week on Tuesdays.

The first one is a sonnet, because I haven't written one since gr. 11 English. I'm pretty sure it follows the rules, but is not to strict with the iambic pentameter. It is based on my Me to We trip to Kenya, a year ago tomorrow (post to come!). Salabwek is the name of the community we stayed in.

Salabwek

A soft orange sun rises on the plains.

The rooster awakens with the new dawn.

Mosquitoes on my arms bring me new pains,

While scars across my body are drawn.

But the scars do not last long, for today

The skies are filled with a healing power.

By Mother Nature's will I must obey

As the rain becomes my natural shower.

In the fields afar I hear a child

Singing a song of welcome to the air.

Jambo Bwana to this land so wild.

He sings: What is mine is ours to share.

I find myself so far away from home,

But embracing this land, to me unknown.

The second one was written today and was inspired by a line in The Gospel According to Peanuts, a book I am currently reading. The line is taken from Time Magazine: "Man now rejoices, said Time, ' that, to some extent, he has been freed from the fear of hell-fire, not realizing that he has instead been condemned to the fear of nothingness.'" Deep stuff.

What I Fear…

I fear for what the world will become.

I fear that which we have created will become that which leads to our own demise.

I fear that our belief in the tangible will destroy the unknown.

I fear that our civilization will result in nothing but a blip on the timeline of the universe.

I fear that the world will not explode, but whimper to its death.

I fear the vacuum of space, which will draw the last bit of breath from our lungs.

I do not fear Hell, but rather the vast emptiness of nothing to which we are all doomed.

♥ Turtles

p.s. Instead of saying handsome or beautiful, why not try "facially gifted"  it's random :)

Terrified....

For some reason, I have developed a fear of driving. It's stupid, considering I have my G2 (the second step in licensing in Ontario, before the G, where you can drive anywhere). I drove all summer and since school started. I have had my G2 for probably almost 2 years now. But my dad just called and asked me to drive his car to work and I got really scared. I live in a big city, with narrow roads, street car tracks, crazy drivers. And all of a sudden, this is extremely nerve racking.

Before I moved here in September, I was perfectly fine. My old town had wide streets, not a lot of crazy drivers and was easy to get around. It could get really busy in rush and stuff but it wasn't that bad. I even drove on the highway a lot. Even when I moved to the city, I was still driving, mostly my brother around but it was still something. For the last two months or so, I haven't driven because there hasn't been a need to, but I feel like a failure. It's the stupidest thing to be afraid of, especially since I can go and get my G. I've been able to for almost a year now. But somehow I can't. The thought of sitting behind a car wheel, waiting to make a turn of the drive way, possibly hitting pedestrians or crashing into a bus is giving me chills and keeping me cooped out in my house.

My dad is coming home because he's concerned about why I'm scared. We're going to go driving together, but somehow I think that freaks me out even more. I wish I had my friend's confidence. I can think of two in particular who have never been afraid and just embrace it. Hopefully I'll learn to enjoy driving again and get over my unrealistic fear. I guess we'll see...