Water

Water and salt and a little bit of dirt

Slides down my face

The salty goodness runs onto my lip

The wet taste of shame and pain

Of desire and longing

Of suppressed emotions

Expressed through a solitary drop

Once gone never returning

For the thought of this hidden action

Being seen by another

The thought of someone

Being able to see past the toothy smile

And read the inner soul

Of that solitary drop

Is frightening

This lonesome tear

Is shed in secret

Between the happy laughter

And the kind words

But as quick as it comes

It disappears

The back of hand:

God's natural eraser

Removing all signs

That something deeper lies within

Behind that toothy grin

There is a lonely soul within

Made up of water, salt and a little bit of dirt

written: January 13th 2012

Everything is fleeting

I sit at my kitchen window, on a hard chair that lends no comfort yet is the only place I feel comfortable. My body is heavy, burdened with the weight of everything running through my head. I try not to focus on the thoughts swirling around, the negativity that never seems to leave, that only distances itself from neutral conversation for a time being, then comes back with a vengeance, wishing not to be forgotten.

I distract myself. The view from the 26th floor never ceases to amaze me. I count the planes that go by, taking mental note of those that are headed to the airport quickly, as if they can't wait to disembark, and those who fly leisurely, drifting in and out of the clouds as they glide along. And closer above me, I count the ones that are now leaving, heading out on their journey to destinations unknown to me.

The sun is setting and as the sky changes slowly from a light pale blue to a pinky lavender, my eyes turn to the clouds, as I lose count of the airplanes, becoming harder and harder to keep track of. Each cloud is a puzzle. An enigma of water and air, shaped in whatever Freudian image my mind decides to conclude upon.

I see a boy in a rocket ship-shaped wagon, speeding about. There is a demonic rat in the lower corner of the sky. Each time I glance upon it, it seems to shift into a friendlier image, becoming a guinea pig in a few minutes. A spider floats near by. I see roses and bushes, a lady with a pill bottle, a bear who slowly goes dissipates as he gains a hat.

My brother walks into the room, and asks why I am looking out the window. I tell him that I'm looking a rocket ship, a bear with a top hat and a rose bush. He thinks I'm being sarcastic and when I say I'm not, he thinks I'm high. Fair enough.

When I turn back, everything has changed. My spider is now squashed, my bear now blind, my roses wilted and my rat turned guinea pig looks like a pregnant lady dying. It all is a bit surreal yet fascinating and reflective.

It seems I feel a sense of ownership over these images in the sky as they disappear. Now I feel emptier than before. The clouds never stop, never rest for no one. Everything is fleeting.

Two trains and a dragonfly

I went for a walk yesterday. In a valley and through a forest. There's a first time for everything.

I've been hesitant to walk the path into the valley (the Don Valley) since we moved into our new building a month ago since it's very foreboding. But yesterday morning after about an hour and a half of deliberate delay, I finally left the house. And guess what! (What?!?) It's a really cool place! Who knew?

I took a load of pics because I missed actually having something to take pictures of and this little escape from city life was the perfect opportunity. While I was walking, I was thinking about all these cool sentences and observations I could write for this post, but I really couldn't be bothered to stop to write them down. So here are four things I took from my little scenic trip:

1. Train tracks are awesome. These pictures don't do the giant structures justice.

2. Dragonflies are both super creepy and super cool at the same time. No pictures of them because I jumped back in fear whenever one got too close.

3. Selfies are awkward as hell. And yet that didn't stop me from trying.....

omg nature

4. Being an environmentalist for the city would be quite cool. Before I left, I googled to find out the name of the path (East Don Trail) and I happened upon a city report from two years ago that looked at erosion in the area and the need to extend the trail further south. It was fascinating reading about what they are doing to help stop the erosion and then actually seeing it in action.

I saw children on scooters, old people walking and chatting, moms and strollers, skateboarders, bikers, adorable puppies, workers on their lunch break. Lots of people yet it never felt hectic or intrusive. It is a refreshing break from the concrete and asphalt. Must do it again sometime.

"...now already, and forever, never was..."

I'm sitting on my bed, pondering. That's what people do right? They ponder? When they want to think about and examine and contemplate and be hypothetical; pose questions and come up with answers, possible and not possible, all at the same time?

Ponder.

I guess what I'm pondering about is the future. If you're familiar with the inner workings of my mind, this would be of absolutely no shock to you. It's something I do on a daily basis and perhaps should stop doing because it doesn't often end well. Usually I come to some grand, generalized, somewhat dystopian conclusion about the horrible fate that awaits me in the days, months, years to come. Most days my mind equates the future with negativity and failure.It is something I am trying to change, slowly.

FYI, my neck hurts. I spent about 2 hours lying on a bed playing cellphone games above my head, while my brother tried to explain why Lil B is the BasedGod and who Bruno Caboclo is. I'm still fairly confused about Lil B but out of fear for turning into Kevin Durant I shall keep my opinions to myself. I wish Bruno all the best in his quest to learn English.

Am I still pondering? Yea. Right now about this blog. This oh so confusing blog that is angry one minute, happy the next. Consistent and then sparse. Desired and then the biggest chore in the world. Oh what to do, what to do...

Perhaps I need to challenge myself. I'm not good at challenges but I could try to make an exception I suppose? If not for the lone reader of this blog, then for me. There is not much happening in my life right now, but perhaps instead of just sitting around, letting the many effects of depression seep into every aspect of my life, I could do something about it? I put all these statements as questions because inside, I really am having a conversation with myself. But if something declarative is what I need then by golly, YES. I SHALL DO SOMETHING. There. That sounds concrete.

Every other day at least, I think should be a good time to write a post. Consistency, as I'm sure someone somewhere once said, is what makes the world go round. I should act before it's "now already, and forever, never was." If that makes sense...

Still pondering,

♥ Sarrah





title: Welcome to Nightvale Podcast, Episode 21 "A Memory of Europe"